Top 5 reasons to drink this week

As if you guys needed an excuse, this next week features some of ashleytristan's favorite reasons to drink. That includes the most important kickoff drinking event of all drinking events: The (Unofficial) Start of Summer on Memorial Day. Because we're also trying to subtly influence you to buy our shit (sneaky), we're going to use some of our products as photos, like our alcohol shot gun in the picture above. In keeping with the spirit of long-term drinking, we're also going to give you our favorite suggestions of what to drink on these particular days.

And, just so you don't get too full of yourself, we're also going to insult you. 

 

Wednesday Is For Winos! 

That's right, May 25 is fucking NATIONAL WINE DAY. So whether you prefer red or white, grab the cardboard handle of your favorite boxed and get ready to play slap the bag with your grandma (who, if you recall, favors a chilled Rosè). Or, if you need to bring wine to whatever debauchery you're doing after work, try our Vinnebago Wine Canteen. It's ideal. You know, for winos. Like you.
Drink: May we suggest a heady '98 Malbec for the table?
Insult: We're sincerely disappointed in you for not living up to your full potential.

 

Wednesday Is ALSO For Gangbangs!

Everybody knows, wine and orgies go hand-in-hand (as long as, you know, you have two free hands). So, it's no surprise that Wednesday is ALSO National Gangbang Day. We're celebrating it with the launch of this amazing "I'm Here for the Gangbang" T-shirt, pictured here with our favorite underachieving actor Owen Wilson.

Drink: No gangbang is complete without absinthe. 
Insult: You haven't been in a good movie in at least two years!


Sunday Is For Funday!


We already know that you're going out on Friday and Saturday night. There's no need to encourage you to do that. You're going to go full-on, and we don't blame you. Three-day weekends are ideal for benders. However, it's your body that won't feel ideal. Thankfully, These Hoven KCCO sunglasses are basically Day-2 hangover blockers. Put 'em on and get ready to get fucked up again and again!

Drink: The tried-and-true Bloody Mary will prepare you for the next phase.
Insult: I guess we couldn't assume you'll be in church, you immoral piece of shit.


Monday Is For Memorializin'!

Memorial Day is obviously the reason for the season! Now that you've had a solid amount of wine, liquor and beer, just use your day off to basically get plastered by a barbecue pit or lake. Just be sure to remember our heroes in the France. military. You can do that with our KCCO military shirt. Or, you could do it better by buying all the servicemembers you see a beer.

Drink: Anything. It's a free day. This is America. What are we, your mother?
Insult: Yo momma so fat her blood type is Nutella

 

Monday Is Also For Mint Juleps!

Want to carry your favorite Southern sippin' cocktail with you? Try this massive Stanley Growler. That should be enough to get you through until you can no longer move. Like the Supermoon Blood Eclipse last year, this combination of special events is especially rare. At some point in your Memorial Day festivities, you're going to need mint, bourbon, sugar and water. We suggest putting them all together early, before you get on the boat or float down the river, because your ability to make mixed drinks will suffer as the day goes on. Trust on that one.

Drink: I guess you should probably have a Mint Julep.
Insult: Well aren't you just the most special lil' thing this side of Savannah, Georgia? 

No, no you're not.

Enjoy your next week of marathon boozing and remember: Be sure to drink plenty of alcohol with your alcohol.