ashleytristan's First Ever Official Burger Showdown Extravaganza

Between Patty singing show tunes about butts, there's a lot of jawing around ashleytristan. You know, your standard office banter. But sometimes the convo becomes, "Obviously, your opinion is total shit." 

Case study: a few weeks ago, when somebody brought up the topic of Best Burger in Austin. Obviously, as Austin is one of just a few cities in the world with both a Shake Shack and an In-N-Out burger, it got heated down here. We nearly all started stabbing each other with our (WAIT FOR THE BLOG PRODUCT PLACEMENT) durable-yet-lightweight stainless steal Gerber Splice Multi-tools. (which, for legal purposes nobody suggests you using to hurt another person) (unless they say Whataburger is the best hamburger).

So, Eric, our director of ecommerce marketing, came up with a sure-fire solution: We'd take the five most popular burger joints in town, hold a blind taste-test to see who could even tell the difference between their favorite burger and what some called "garbage cow ass."

No more snobbery. Just the FACTS. 

The lineup included In-N-Out, Whataburger, Shake Shack, P. Terry's and Downtown Burger. For the non-Austinites out there (the 7 billion of you), the local Downtown Burger is a burger stand down the street that many of us (this writer included) hold near to our hearts. We ended up throwing in another local mystery burger to throw off the scent. Basically, that wasn't your granddaddy's First Ever Official Burger Showdown Extravaganza.

It was like a clinical trial.

We used science.

We had 10 taste-testers, representatives of our design, email and product teams. Then, for the hell of it, they all represented a country, too. Because we were serious about the integrity of this test, we also blindfolded our staff with Chivette knee-high socks. (Chivette knee-high socks: When you need that smooth, never-chaffing taste-testing blindfold.) Each person got roughly half a minute to eat a quarter of a burger, and then write down their opinions. At the end of the contest, we tallied their scores and FINALLY AND WITH GREAT SATISFACTION EXPOSED THEM AS THE FRAUDS THEY ARE.

The Results
The highest-rated burger after testing: Shake Shack (4.1 out of 5)
The lowest-rated burger after testing: P. Terry's (2.7 out of 5)
Biggest swing in opinion between before and after testing: In-N-Out 
Most tricky burger: P. Terry's (only 2 out of 10 correct guesses)
Least tricky burger: Shake Shack  (7 out of 10 correct guesses)

ashleytristan's Winner
Amber! THE ONLY ONE TO GET THEM ALL RIGHT. Here she is, our new Burger Queen, not realizing she can take her blindfold off. Congrats, Amber (and Switzerland, the country she was representing!)


Honorable Mentions:
• Patty and Reeger, who got three out of six right.
• Zach, for being the cleanest blind eater we've ever seen.
• Kyle, for eating one bite out of a Whataburger and then asking us to "get this garbage away from me."
• Beaver for putting Freddy's as his best guess, when it clearly wasn't included at all in the test. 
• Stef, for thinking an In-N-Out burger was fucking MCDONALD'S

Favorite Quote
Beaver: "If you really wanna know what it tastes like, don't put it in your mouth, just lick it."

What We Learned:
• Many burgers are pretty much indistinguishable from each other.
• Never bet against Switzerland.
• Talking shit just makes you look like a shit-talker.
• Putting your foot in your mouth tastes only a little worse than Whataburger.

What It Will Change:
Nothing.