Open Avocado

"Come give me your heart, I will put it in a jar on the windowsill like an avocado." - Kim Boekbinder

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Some nights are harder than others. I see all these things happening around me and I want to move. I want to be a part of it, but I stay stuck inside my human shell. Austin became my home these past two or three years and now I miss it every day. It's been hard to cope with the move. It's been hard to cope with the heartbreak, but that doesn't matter much anymore.

While talking to a close friend the other day, I came to the realization that the recent drawings and sketches I have been doing have become very symbolic of the past two years. I realize that right now I am stuck in my head. Stuck in an imaginary place that feels a lot like purgatory where I am trapped in a giant white space fighting with my own thoughts. I feel like god and the devil are raging inside me some days tearing me apart. I really don't like to talk about what happened anymore. I spent the past two months explaining to many friends what happened, questioning why it did, and becoming unsure of everything that I had done or what I was even doing. Two months of staring into a blackhole that sucked the life out of me. You can ask me what happened face to face, but other than that, I am pretty much done with it for now. It has inspired a lot of my work lately. It's been different than what I had been doing.

Somewhere in the transition of all this, I found my old self. Pre-heartbreak, pre-art school. In a way, I have been taking some elements from her and fusing them with the reinvented person I am becoming. I am becoming aware again of who I am and who I want to be. Hopefully I'll be able to escape this shell and push myself to get back home.